There was a time when life was held together not by notifications or calendars, but by people.

The knocker-upper tapping on a bedroom window before dawn.
The milkman quietly leaves bottles on the step.
The postie who noticed when someone hadn’t been seen.
The pub that wasn’t just for drinking, but for belonging.
The church bell marked time, whether you believed or not.

These weren’t just services. They were relational anchors, everyday points of connection that helped people feel oriented, noticed, and safe.

Many of us don’t realise how much these small human rhythms support mental health until they are gone.

Community as nervous system regulation

From a therapeutic perspective, these roles did something vital:

They helped regulate the nervous system outside the individual.
Before we talked about anxiety, attachment styles, or trauma, communities offered:

• Predictability
• Familiar faces
• Being noticed without having to ask
• A shared sense of responsibility

Humans are wired for co-regulation. Our nervous systems settle through tone of voice, eye contact, routine, and recognition. Community provided this quietly and consistently.

When it disappears, many people are left unknowingly trying to self-regulate on their own.

A case study: “Nothing is wrong — but everything feels heavy”

Sarah (name and details changed) came to therapy in her early 40s. On paper, her life looked stable. She worked remotely, had a partner, and had no obvious crisis. But she described feeling persistently flat, anxious, and exhausted.

“I don’t know why I feel like this,” she said.
“I’m not depressed exactly, I just feel… unheld.”

As therapy unfolded, a pattern emerged:

• She had moved away from her hometown years earlier
• She no longer knew her neighbours
• Her milk, food, work, and communication were all delivered digitally
• Weeks could pass without meaningful, spontaneous human contact

Growing up, Sarah remembered:

• A neighbour who checked in
• A local pub where people knew her name
• A church she rarely attended, but felt comforted by
• A street where absence was noticed

Her attachment history was not overtly traumatic, but her environment once reinforced safety through connection. Without it, her nervous system stayed subtly activated:

• Hyper-vigilant
• Lonely without knowing why
• Ashamed for needing more than she “should”

Therapy became not just a space to talk, but a consistent relational anchor. Over time, Sarah began rebuilding minor, tolerable points of connection in her life. Her anxiety reduced not because she tried harder, but because she was no longer carrying everything alone.

Attachment doesn’t form in isolation

Attachment theory is often reduced to early caregiving, but the wider relational world also shapes attachment patterns.

When community is present:

• Secure attachment is reinforced
• Stress is buffered
• Support feels accessible

When community erodes:

• Anxious attachment may intensify (“I’m on my own with this”)
• Avoidant strategies can harden (“I’ll manage alone”)
• Trauma responses can become chronic
• Shame grows quietly in the absence of a witness

Many people seeking counselling today are not broken; they are unsupported.

What we lost and why it matters now

Over time:

• Milk deliveries disappeared
• Post became digital
• Pubs closed or became transactional
• Churches declined as gathering spaces
• Work became isolated and mobile

We gained efficiency. We lost every day relational contact.

From a trauma-informed lens, this loss keeps many nervous systems in a state of low-grade threat, not panicked, but never fully settled.

Covid: A Brief Remembering

During Covid, despite fear and uncertainty, many people noticed something unexpected. Neighbours checked in. People walked at the same time each day. Kindness became visible.

Distress was shared.

For some, anxiety eased, not because life was easier, but because connection returned.

This mirrors what we see in therapy:

Connection regulates distress more effectively than logic or reassurance alone.

What this means for therapy at My Online Counsellor

Many clients arrive saying:

“I feel overwhelmed for no clear reason”
“I should be coping better than this”
“I feel disconnected from myself and others”

At My Online Counsellor, therapy offers:

• A consistent, reliable relational space
• Nervous system regulation through attuned presence
• Exploration of attachment patterns without blame
• Trauma-informed understanding of why coping feels harder now

Healing is not about fixing yourself. It is about being met where you are.

A gentle reflective exercise:

Take a moment to reflect, no pressure to resolve anything.

1. When in your life have you felt most supported by ordinary human contact?
2. What informal points of connection have quietly disappeared for you?
3. When you struggle, do you tend to:
- Reach out anxiously?
- Withdraw and cope alone?
- Alternate between the two?

4. What one small, low-pressure connection could you reintroduce now?
- A familiar café
- A regular walk
- A weekly check-in
- Therapy as a steady relational base

Notice what your body does as you consider this. That response is meaningful.

A closing thought

If life feels heavier than it should, it may not be a personal failing. It may be the impact of living in a world where community has thinned, and nervous systems are asked to cope alone.

Therapy can be one place where connection is restored, gently, safely, and without judgment.